After waking at about 3.30am and saying farewell to Cadell, and thanking her for hosting me for the past week, while avoiding waking Archie, both because its a bit early, and it was honestly breaking my heart to leave the little guy behind. In just a week I have formed an amazing bond with him, and the thought of waving bye bye to him and seeing a sad face was too much.
So many thoughts have passed through my mind over the past week, so much time has been spent thinking about all that is actually my life. This time yesterday (or maybe a little earlier in the day actually) everything seemed so much easier to think about. Uncomplicated to comprehend, whilst appreciating it for its complexities of living with (hope that makes sense). Yet 24 hours later its all just a bloody big blur to me.
I came away with a renewed interest in reassessing my life in general, and some general ideas of what parts need a serious looking at. I really don't know how to word what I'm thinking, how to say what I'm feeling. Strange you may think coming from someone whole puts almost every step of their life into words almost daily. But its true. I can't find the words to do justice to what I'm feeling right now. Such a simple thought, but at the same time so complicated to work through, make decisions on and put a plan into action.
As I drove down the motorway this morning I tried to keep my mind as clear as possible. The combination of tired and stressed would not have been good for anyone. So instead I listened to the radio, and tried to relax, arriving with a clear, unbiased mind was the plan. I arrived home later than planned and was shattered, but managed to stay awake for a bit. However once the initial return to the house was over with, reality struck... Hard!
Seeing mum was a wake up call to what I had left behind for a week. Seeing the excitable little dogs was lovely, such a warm genuine greeting from them. Unquestionable loyalty if I ever saw it. Got to love dogs! Then the complexities returned, cash card not at home, fridge almost bare, mum hungry etc. That said, she was in very good spirits. Far better than I was expecting based on what I had heard anyway. So that's something. Her greeting was somewhat less hopeful though, telling me she was shakier than before and that I would not have to look after her for much longer now. Nice greeting !
The rest of the day can only be described as "normal" same shit, different day if I ever saw it. Very normal, and the way I see things these days, empty of any emotion. And that's one of my biggest battles at the moment. Emotion.
While I have considered myself emotionally numb for years now, I hae just realised how little emotional stimulation I get from others on a day to day basis, and am left wondering if its enough! Its all the little things, what others call normal that I lack. Maybe I don't give off the signals that I need it. Or maybe I send mixed signals about my interest in such things, who knows. What I DO know is I now know I NEED it, and want compassion and affection to form part of my life now.
There is so much more to say on the matter, I'm just touching the tip of the iceberg saying this. But there you go, I said it now, its out there, and I wanna do something about it.
Food for thought? Definatly!
Time for sleep, and start a new day and a new week in the morning. See how that goes.
Thanks for reading, enjoy the bombshell!
Regards
Michael
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