All a bit of a muddle.

It is fair to say that normal service in my head is starting to resume now. Hopefully it is showing to some people at least, with less desperate attempts for attention, and slightly less weird and unpredictable behaviour. Obviously some of the above will remain to a degree, as it's who I am. But when depressed it's just all of that on steroids, with side effects.

Hopefully by now it is also showing in my writing style, as my head clears, the words begin to flow more freely. The one killer of course is moods. I can have a head full of things to write, but not be in the right frame of mind. At this moment in time they are flowing like the overflow of a dam. 

As I think back over the past couple of months, I question some of my actions and decisions. Knowing that some have been a little damaging to put it lightly. Others forming an unchangeable course of events to slip into motion. I won't claim it was all the depression, or blame it on other things, at the end of the day it was me. While I don't subscribe to "regret" as such, I can still manage to wish things had worked out differently at least.

Some of the things I have said and done made sense at the time, a few still do. But there is one particular thing I that I can't get my head around still, and it's quite a delicate one.

I blogged a while ago saying that I thought I was destined to be alone, and quite frankly was happy about that. In some way I stand by that statement. Being the only one, means the sole master of your destiny. Rather than blaming other peoples decisions, or feeling out of control, its ALL you. There is a sense of security to be found in there somewhere. Less emotional uncertainty, less vulnerability to influences and stresses of others and so on.

But there is another side, one which I am slowly starting to remember. Physical contact, and the feeling of being cared about. I am not going to lie, there are a number of reasons it is all a bit unfamiliar to me. Some know more about this than others, but either way, starting to miss that again after such a long time of it being switched off is really confusing. Again, as that has returned, some bad decisions have been made from the search for that too. Awkward! 

Simply seeing a romantic scene on TV is enough to make my heart soften, and a little part of me rumble into life like your tummy does when you are hungry. Same thing I guess, both are hungry for something.

While at times I can imagine being fine on my own, and not having to worry about feeling rejected or second best ever again, I can also remember so well how it feels just to snuggle up to watch TV, or just share a moment with someone you care about, and know they care about you too. It's not about getting down and dirty, or naked intimacy. The parts I miss most about a relationship are the simple things. Just a nice long hug, tight and warm is all it takes for me. Just thinking about it as I write this makes me feel warm and fuzzy recalling such things from my past, and yearn for the feeling once again in my life. Is a hug really too much to want?

Emotions are a funny old thing, and as my recovery continues, and I return to my normal deep thinking, soft hearted, emotionally vulnerable self, so much comes rushing back to me. I had forgotten what being emotionally excited meant for starters. I forgot how it feels to be helpless about something, but at the same time so happy about feeling that way. I forgot what unconditional feelings were like, and how it is OK to let yourself go at times, and just enjoy the moment.

I guess what I am saying really here is that not only am I recovering from a long bout of depression, but in the process I am reconfirming who I really am. Who I was all along. Starting to realise how much of my true self I have suppressed for so long now. I have struggled for a long time now to rediscover my true self. Many blog entries have covered the subject, Michael or Snazy , the reinvention of Michael Snasdell, and so on... They all tried to find a way to unlock myself again, stop being fake, stop wearing a mask, and live MY life as it should be. And now, I think I am getting there. 

So I take it all back, I don't want to be single if at all possible. I want someone in my life who I can me ME around, stupid, carefree, and childish. But at the same time I would love to be with someone who allows me in to their life. To care for them, and express myself the way I have always wanted to be able to. I'm an idiot at times, far from what you would call romantic, but not through lack of trying. But I just want to not have to be someone I'm not, ever again!

I know it's a big ask. I'm 43 now, a bit strange, far from good looking, and working hard on my health.But surely there is someone out there insane enough to take what they see, and give it a go? I'm not asking for a life of crazy lust, or a blank canvas, just someone who likes to explore the mind like I do, willing to slowly open up emotionally, like a flower, and just enjoy life on the same mental level as me.

That or switch the whole lot off again and just stick with being single! #AllOrNothing

So there you go, as I come round from what feels like a long mental coma, as awareness returns, and I start to realise I have a heart again, emotions take a hold, and I miss being held (I know, so masculine!) 

God help me when the next love scene comes on TV, I might just melt away from existence. 

Feel free to take the piss at any point. But writing from the heart is just what I do. 

PS, more cheerful and maybe even a little amusing blog to follow, promise!

Taming the Blackberry 10 Hub

Since the launch of the Blackberry Z10, there has been so much talk about The Hub. We saw it in the previews, and heard so much about how it was going to revolutionise the way we work with our mobile devices. Peek and Flow, gestures, unified inbox on steroids, we heard all of the comments, and in the demo's it sure did seem the best thing since sliced bread. Being able to peek into your inbox regardless of what you were in the middle of seemed ideal.

For some, the transition over to the hub has been pretty smooth. All the social accounts you use, all in one place, filter them by type if you so wish, or whack them all in together in The Hub itself. In general, I am one of those who is quite happy with the way it performs, and it does what it says on the box. It simplifies the way you communicate across multiple social platforms, all from one single place.

BUT... of course there is a but, this is me!
There are a few things, that possibly for the sake of sanity, or maybe just for functionality reasons that are not as I would like them certainly, so I shall go into a few now before I go on.

The first thing I noticed was a Twitter feed thing. On OS7.1 and before, periodically I would get a notification from twitter into my unified inbox that would say there were new tweets to view. Alas this does not happen with the hub. Now the reason for it is quite simple, only things directed at YOU will appear in the hub. Messages which may require you to respond are the only things of interest to the hub. Naturally it didn't take long to get used to this 'short falling' if you can call it that.
But while talking about Twitter, there is another thing. Mentions. When composing a new tweet and mentioning a contact in it, the long winded approach to adding their @ to the message is quite simply horrible. I don't want a drop down of all my contacts to appear, so I can then enter their name in the search field. What was wrong with the old way, or indeed the way Blaq manages them. Type an @ then start to type the name, and as you type the options appear to select from.
This plus the rather basic and lethargic layout of the whole native Twitter app are the reason I bit the bullet and got Blaq instead. Multiple accounts, real time feed, nice interface, and simple mentions.

After the Twitter thing was overcome, the next thing to understand was how the other apps integrated into the hub. Facebook for example, for a while I thought that I would be able to update my status from the hub also, but this again is not the case. You can compose direct messages on the hub for Facebook only. The same I should say is the case with Twitter.

In short, for those not quite au fait with the hub situation. The hub is ONLY used for direct communication with people, be it SMS, BBM, email, or via social networking apps.

Once you understand what it can do, the next thing to do is get it doing the things you want it do do for YOU, customise it.

This is where the confusion around the hub really starts, and if you were keeping up with what I have been rattling on about so far, hold tight, its about to get a little crazy around here.
Notifications in the hub are for all the native apps to the Blackberry 10 devices, and a little more, as shown below.

As you can see, quite a list there indeed. So can you cope with updates and history from all these feeds showing up in the one single inbox? Well apparently most cant, and it gets a little heated and hectic. The problem is, or is perceived to be, that if you turn them off in the hub management, you then lose the ability to use the feed. But this is not the case, allow me to explain a little. First up you need to get into the hub settings, the following sequence shows where you go to do this.

Firstly, go into the hub, and select the overflow menu, 3 dots, bottom right of the screen. Select settings.

Next up, from settings you want hub Management.

Once you have entered the hub management, you will be presented with the following screen. I'm pretty sure 90% have already seen all this, but just to be sure.

Right, now you are ready to decide what shows in your hub feed and what doesn't. There are important things to know here, so read carefully.

First up, emails, the hub is the only place on your Blackberry 10 device you can access these, so it is important to have your main accounts switched on. If you have other accounts that receive a lot of junk, but periodically get used for something more productive, I would say turn them off. I will explain why in a bit.
Next up are other forms of messages, BBM, SMS. This is where the options start. The BB10 devices come with BBM and texts available from stand alone icons. BBM from the actual app, and texts from its own icon to open JUST text messaging if you so choose. These applications do NOT have to be left open and running in an active pane to receive messages if you turn them off in the hub.

Same applies to your social networks, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, FourSquares and so on.

Now to explain how to go about this.

By turning notifications OFF in the hub for any of these applications does not mean you wont receive messages through them, you will, and the hub will still take care of this for you. You just have to understand the slightly complex way in which it works. By turning them off in the hub, it simply means that the notifications will not automatically populate the hub. So when you turn twitter off for example, the device will still receive and acknowledge direct messages, and it will still tell you that you have them. It just wont display it.

An example for you to make it a little clearer. I have Twitter turned OFF in my hub, purely because I don't like the native app as I have explained before. Instead I use Blaq which I will usually leave running in an active pane, as I tent to use Twitter quite a lot. The Blaq app shows within the active pane if I have any mentions or direct messages, as well as new tweets to read. But what if I close the app, then how will I know if I get a message or mention.
While it is turned off in the hub, I wont see the message, but I will get a notification still. I will get an LED flash if set up for that application, I will get an icon on the lock screen, and I will also get a spark on the hub menu button (as pictured below)

Soon also I am hoping that we will see BeBuzz for the Q10 arrive, which will also allow you to have the addition of a specific colour flash on your LED.
So now you have your notification, its up to you to decide how you deal with it.
You can go to the hub and choose the particular inbox for that application, and view it there, or you can open it in the stand alone app. A BBM can be opened in the hub or on the app for example. One thing to note here is that third party apps wont update the hub. So if you get a mention on Twitter and open it in Blaq, the notification spark will remain in the hub until you acknowledge it.

So I guess what I am trying to say here is The Hub is actually a very clever and versatile notifications centre, which is highly customisable, but it is for the end user to make the effort to spend a few minutes going through it properly, setting up what you want to simply be notified of, and what you want to actually see populating your hub.

I hope this hasn't confused you more than it has helped.