A simple existence.

Sometimes it is hard to realise the importance of some things in life. Too busy keeping up with the Jones's, having the latest gadgets, being up to date on the latest trends in clothing, music, TV and other social pressures. So it is good to take a step back at your life once in a while, and strip it back to the bare bones. Take a moment to realise what is actually important, and indispensable, compared to the material and emotional clutter most people seem to fill their lives with.

This is something I tend to do after a big shake up in life, maybe every few years, and am sure I have blogged about it in the past. Just like people have a Facebook cull for example, and delete all the randoms that they have added and accepted over the past year, and unfollow groups which have become tiresome.

Recently, as well as my own things going on, I have taken stock of what others go through too, and it is pretty humbling. Sure I have had my own battles in life, and have struggled to keep it together at times. Physical and mental pain sometimes making life feel unbearable, but I have never really paid much attention to those around me who go through similar.

Until now that is. Like I say recently I have become more and more aware that the trials and tribulations I have already dealt with in life await many of us at some point in life. Depression for some, illness for others, and of course the inevitable loss of loved ones. All things I can relate to very well having experienced them all a number of times.

This isn't a "been there, got the t-shirt" moment, I am not trying to belittle others in their times of need. Quite the opposite in fact. Well in my mind anyway. It is at times like these that I dearly want to offer my experiences with those going through the matters themselves. No two experiences are the same, but they bear the same hallmarks, and usually trigger a similar journey for a person to take. Just knowing someone has been down a similar path can sometimes be comfort enough.

Hearing "I know how you feel" and it sounding condescending is not just exclusive to depression, but to all other experiences in like which knock us from our axis.
Seeing others suffer in silence is almost painful. Do you approach and offer a hand, do you stand and watch them self destruct until it's too late or they finally beg for help? Interfere, or carefree?

Like I was saying, it is at times like this that everything else around you just seems to disappear, fading away into insignificance, leaving you only with the things you actually need to get by. The roof over your head, food and drink, and hopefully a network of good supportive friends who can steady you along the way, until you are stable again. Taking on tasks to assist, being there to talk to when you need to find reason.

If you ask most people what they could not live without, a lot would take love and friendship for granted, and move straight onto material objects, the internet, etc. But at a time of need, all that changes and quickly take stock of friends and acquaintances, and decide who you need around you to help.

When on an even keel, and taking stock, the results are more balanced. For me for example primarily I have a great group of friends who I know, even with their quirky ways, have my best interests at heart. Then I have my dogs, a sight and company I have grown used to, and some comfort when I am having a crappy day. The ability to get around comes next, being able to walk, cycle or drive somewhere is a huge bonus when the brain just says escape. Obviously the latter being the best when getting away with the dogs. Of course all this would be pretty pointless, so the roof over my head (and a very nice one thankfully) is right up there with the primaries in my life.

With just those things, dropping the car if necessary (but not out of preference) I could have a pretty happy existence really. Obviously I would miss the tech, given that it is one of the things that I find myself most engrossed in when not out and about, but I know I can get by without such things, and on trips to Spain I try and enforce that the best I can. Still turning to my tech devices, but no where near as much as usual. So if I were ever forced to choose things in life to let go of, or keep, I know where my loyalties lay. Friends, a roof, health just about sum up the priorities for me. How about yours?

In other aspects of life, like questioning how I fit into other peoples lives. For years I worried a lot about these things, but over time, experience and wisdom teaches you not to care too much about it. Real friends can deal with most things life throw at them, if someone decides to get all hateful towards you about petty things, like running up a phone bill in your name, then telling you it is YOUR problem, then calling you all the names under the sun (nope I don't forget pathetic acts like that), then they can simply go fuck themselves. I have no time for fakes, bullshitters and pisstakers in my life, but do keep a few around just for entertainment value.

On the grand scheme of things, how people feel about me is irrelevant. I can honestly say that 95% of the time I really don't care what others think of me. But in that delicate 5% time frame, it hurts me deeply, and that is my achillies heel in life. Suddenly becoming vulnerable to what others think of me, what is said about me, and how I am perceived. The last bout of depression is testament of this without doubt. Having my life torn apart by a few simple actions and comments.

It is so easy to reflect with hindsight and say how simple life can be if you just do this and that. But sometimes you are drawn in, trying to do the right thing, follow your heart, and it bites you in the arse, hard! How you recover from that is another matter. I have seen many friends over the year destroyed by their own actions. Actions which were carried out to make someone elses life richer, not for self gain. Taken for granted, used for their kindness and vulnerability, by selfish, greedy individuals only out for themselves.

When I look at friends who have gone off to do their own thing, follow their hearts, and enjoy life without the complications of the hustle and bustle of the daily grind, I am envious. To a degree at least. I like convenience, I like choice, and if I am totally honest I actually like a bit of the rush I live in being a Londoner. Sure I like to escape and recharge in remote places, but I also like the thrill of a 24 hour city. I am sure if push came to shove, and I could choose without cutting my nose off to spite my face, I could choose one, but right now, the balance is good.

As for fashion trends, the need to socialise in popular places, and being trendy, well that can pretty much sod off. I don't shun them as a whole, but have no ambition to become trendy and fit in places which I find to be so false. The more you pay to be somewhere, the less it becomes about who you are, and the more it is about what you have, money being the key. Money attracts money, and it also attracts fakers trying to get a step up. So that can stay where it is as far as I am concerned.

Clothing, I like nice clothes, but prefer to have the right clothes for the job, rather than clothes with the right labels. Same with other things in life, like tech for example. Once it was about branding, now more about ability for buck.

So to me, really, I think the older I get, the more simple a life I desire. My experiences keep me grounded, my desire to help others keeps me true to my goals.

To all my friends who support me, thank you so much. To those special people in my life who I am trying to reach out to (nope, you are not the only one) , hang in there, I am right here, as are many others who care about what you are going through. Together we will all get back up on our feet together and support each other. Have faith in yourself.

All a bit of a muddle.

It is fair to say that normal service in my head is starting to resume now. Hopefully it is showing to some people at least, with less desperate attempts for attention, and slightly less weird and unpredictable behaviour. Obviously some of the above will remain to a degree, as it's who I am. But when depressed it's just all of that on steroids, with side effects.

Hopefully by now it is also showing in my writing style, as my head clears, the words begin to flow more freely. The one killer of course is moods. I can have a head full of things to write, but not be in the right frame of mind. At this moment in time they are flowing like the overflow of a dam. 

As I think back over the past couple of months, I question some of my actions and decisions. Knowing that some have been a little damaging to put it lightly. Others forming an unchangeable course of events to slip into motion. I won't claim it was all the depression, or blame it on other things, at the end of the day it was me. While I don't subscribe to "regret" as such, I can still manage to wish things had worked out differently at least.

Some of the things I have said and done made sense at the time, a few still do. But there is one particular thing I that I can't get my head around still, and it's quite a delicate one.

I blogged a while ago saying that I thought I was destined to be alone, and quite frankly was happy about that. In some way I stand by that statement. Being the only one, means the sole master of your destiny. Rather than blaming other peoples decisions, or feeling out of control, its ALL you. There is a sense of security to be found in there somewhere. Less emotional uncertainty, less vulnerability to influences and stresses of others and so on.

But there is another side, one which I am slowly starting to remember. Physical contact, and the feeling of being cared about. I am not going to lie, there are a number of reasons it is all a bit unfamiliar to me. Some know more about this than others, but either way, starting to miss that again after such a long time of it being switched off is really confusing. Again, as that has returned, some bad decisions have been made from the search for that too. Awkward! 

Simply seeing a romantic scene on TV is enough to make my heart soften, and a little part of me rumble into life like your tummy does when you are hungry. Same thing I guess, both are hungry for something.

While at times I can imagine being fine on my own, and not having to worry about feeling rejected or second best ever again, I can also remember so well how it feels just to snuggle up to watch TV, or just share a moment with someone you care about, and know they care about you too. It's not about getting down and dirty, or naked intimacy. The parts I miss most about a relationship are the simple things. Just a nice long hug, tight and warm is all it takes for me. Just thinking about it as I write this makes me feel warm and fuzzy recalling such things from my past, and yearn for the feeling once again in my life. Is a hug really too much to want?

Emotions are a funny old thing, and as my recovery continues, and I return to my normal deep thinking, soft hearted, emotionally vulnerable self, so much comes rushing back to me. I had forgotten what being emotionally excited meant for starters. I forgot how it feels to be helpless about something, but at the same time so happy about feeling that way. I forgot what unconditional feelings were like, and how it is OK to let yourself go at times, and just enjoy the moment.

I guess what I am saying really here is that not only am I recovering from a long bout of depression, but in the process I am reconfirming who I really am. Who I was all along. Starting to realise how much of my true self I have suppressed for so long now. I have struggled for a long time now to rediscover my true self. Many blog entries have covered the subject, Michael or Snazy , the reinvention of Michael Snasdell, and so on... They all tried to find a way to unlock myself again, stop being fake, stop wearing a mask, and live MY life as it should be. And now, I think I am getting there. 

So I take it all back, I don't want to be single if at all possible. I want someone in my life who I can me ME around, stupid, carefree, and childish. But at the same time I would love to be with someone who allows me in to their life. To care for them, and express myself the way I have always wanted to be able to. I'm an idiot at times, far from what you would call romantic, but not through lack of trying. But I just want to not have to be someone I'm not, ever again!

I know it's a big ask. I'm 43 now, a bit strange, far from good looking, and working hard on my health.But surely there is someone out there insane enough to take what they see, and give it a go? I'm not asking for a life of crazy lust, or a blank canvas, just someone who likes to explore the mind like I do, willing to slowly open up emotionally, like a flower, and just enjoy life on the same mental level as me.

That or switch the whole lot off again and just stick with being single! #AllOrNothing

So there you go, as I come round from what feels like a long mental coma, as awareness returns, and I start to realise I have a heart again, emotions take a hold, and I miss being held (I know, so masculine!) 

God help me when the next love scene comes on TV, I might just melt away from existence. 

Feel free to take the piss at any point. But writing from the heart is just what I do. 

PS, more cheerful and maybe even a little amusing blog to follow, promise!

Single forever.

Sad as it sounds,  but it f recent events have taught me anything,  it's that I am destined to be single. Now I know that sounds dramatic,  and maybe a little self pity in there too,  but it's not like that at all.

When I say destined,  I mean by my own hand,  and not that on others. The more I look at my life,  my needs,  and how I conduct myself,  the more I realise that the chances of finding someone compatible is very slim. Add to that my reluctance to go through the mill over and over til I find such a person,  and there you have it.  Destiny.

I have had my fair share of relationships,  long,  short,  simple and stupidly complex.  A couple of times I have come close to feeling like things were as good as they get,  but getting back up from an encounter so close gets harder and harder.

Over the past few months I have been to hell and back with complex feelings and thoughts.  Attempts at connecting with people, and the realisation that I'm just not very good at it.  Unfortunately failed connections lead to a huge amount of self loathing, not to mention confusion in my already fried brain.

It's impossible not to feel the cause of these failures,  or just poor attempts,  and adding them to the trail of destruction that I already leave in my wake,  and it all becomes a bit too much to deal with.

Friendship is where it's at.  The best times are had with people you trust to be within an inch of your soul. Tighter within the inner circle than some can imagine a friend can be. Trust give you unlimited belief in yourself and what you and others can do together,  and washes away any inhibitions you may hold.

Again,  recent months have taught me this,  and knowing I have a handful of people in my life willing to put up with me through my lows,  and let me in when they feel the same way. It shows me a bond exists which I never thought possible. One which has no price,  no end game.  Just loyalty and trust to the death.

Thank you to anyone who has opened themselves up to me during this time,  and sorry to anyone who I leave in my wake. Sorry for anything I may have done to you, and sorry you could not have the bond with me that others have sought and found.

Sometimes we need to take a step back from a situation we are in to truly appreciate it's value to us in life. Not always for the better though. Sometimes we are released from a situation we believed made us happy,  but in truth just held us frozen in time,  with no place to go,  and  no vision for a future. So here's to those who have set us free from such situations. Regardless of their intentions for this release,  from afar,  aside from the pain it causes us to be torn away,  it is relief,  and  a second chance at our own lives.

So,  going back to my point,  I would take friendship with wonderful people,  great times with great minds,  and the security of knowing we form a bond together which protects us throughout our lives. Than gambling it all on "the one" and distance my self from great people,  for the isolation of the company of one.

Does it make me sad? Of course it does. The embrace of another,  the warmth of a loving soul by your side is something amazing. Something I have longed for for many years now,  but failed to find. The warmth of another is by far the greatest thing I miss from a relationship.  Not the ego,  not the sex,  just the simplicity of the desire of another,  and feeling safe in the arms of someone who cares.

So there you have it. Months of depression,  soul searching and confused situations,  all wrapped up in one simple blog entry.

To friends,  and simplicity.

All a bit strange..

Just thought I would try and put into words how I am feeling right now, as I don't seem to be able to understand it myself at the moment.
Waking this morning, I slept OK, so got straight to business, and getting the dogs walked.
Build up to it was fine, then walking out the door, the first wave of thoughts and emotions. It's Sunday, I don't do the morning walks alone on a Sunday, but I guess I better get used to it, this is Day 1 of different.

Getting into my stride, I start doing my usual chatting to myself in my head, playing things out, replaying any events of the past day or two. Its what over thinkers do, its nothing new to me. But obviously this time there is a rather prominent topic, and so it begins. Acceptance of the situation, as I have said before, it's a shock but no real surprise to me. Then the memories, the realisation of the changes, and what will I say to other people. Not, will I tell the truth, but how will the conversation go, EXACTLY. Word for word. Another over thinkers trait.

All around the walk, the dogs do things, but there is no one to talk to, thoughts come into my mind, but again, I'm alone. Sure there are many caring people only a message away, but its not the same. It's not spontaneous.

By the end of the hour and a half of dog walks (takes twice as long as I'm...... yup, alone!) I get back to the house, and I would be lying if I didn't say there was a feeling of dread as I walked up the drive, no Mini. In the house, deadly silence. Coming into the house a huge wave of emotion smashes into me, thoughts as fast and frantic as the pages of a book as you flick through it. Memories, worries, and loneliness.

I feed the dogs, and unlike usually, I skip breakfast myself. A twisting gurgle feeling in my stomach, now is not the time for food.
Instead I come to my little space (scattered with memories of trips, and adventures shared), head down, ignoring the keepsakes, I log on to the PC. Having posted a few status updates on Facebook before heading out with the dogs, the replies and comments are plentiful, for which I am grateful. Everything from deep expressions of sorrow, to totally missing the point.  But it's only right to reply to them, and not seem like a recluse.

So I get started. Many comments tripping me up with emotions, unintentional triggers. Reflections of the past, surprise, and everything in between. A little light humour, a lot of gratitude, and a few ideas all thrown into the melting pot of thoughts. Meanwhile my IM is also pinging away, numerous conversations, again from all angles.
Now as the fury of messages and conversation grows, its getting too much. Too much to think about, decide, work out, plan..... My brain is melting.

Limiting myself to just a couple of conversations, I try and focus on what I need to do next, and work out what is happening immediately in front of me. Then logging off and hitting the streets. Walking once again, the mind goes wild all over again. Trying to keep my focus, shut out the negativity, and remember what is important. Friendship, staying in touch with my bestie, and knowing that while I have this almost overkill of activity and concern, she probably has the complete opposite right now.

As I finally get back home again, after a short unexpected trip to the shops, the doom greets me.

On the final few roads, it all starts to fall into place. That while we have been together for a long time, and I have almost stolen her youth away from her. I realise that I have realised for a long time that this day would come. Have even joked about it over the years, both with Chantal and others. But the realities don't dawn on you until it happens.
Our relationship has been unorthodox for a long time now. One if explained to others, they would just not get. But in all that, I have found my best friend, my companion, and someone who I can trust and rely on.
Or I had... And that's the bit really chewing at my heart right now. Put simply, I'm lonely... VERY VERY lonely, and it scares me so very much. Teeth clenched as I type this, throat tight, it is a horrible realisation, and one I simply don't want to get used to. I am surrounded by mates and a few good friends, but no one quite matches. I don't like this feeling one bit.
I know we will stay friends, I know I can rely on her for anything I need, someone to talk to etc. But that's the whole foundation of the situation. Dependency, on each other, has backed her into a corner which I simply can't justify trying to keep her in any longer.

So while I have nothing to fear, as I know help is so close by, I have EVERYTHING to fear, knowing that the only way we can stay friends and as close as we have grown, is if I give all of that up.

I'm sorry for putting my thoughts and personal life out there, and sharing things that possibly should remain between us, but I have to make sense of it all. I have to get the thoughts out of my head. Before they consume me.

I made a comment to someone earlier, that my head is like an all-in-one soup maker. And after shredding all my thoughts, destroying my mind, it sets about simmering them, bubbling away, cooking up something. Just sitting here waiting for it to churn out whatever the final outcome is.

I know I haven't said it much over years, but just want to throw this out there. Over 12 years, I have gone from spending time with a girl I hang out with, to learning to love someone so much, and fear any hurt or ill intent towards them. Secretly worrying all the time, and I guess you could say forming a synergy. Existing as one, even when far apart. There is a lot of emotional blurb coming to the surface right now, but I just need to be honest and say quite simply, I love you and I miss you SO much Chantal. Its been just over 12 hours, and already my mind is struggling with how things go on from here.

Of course we will be fine, it's not the end of the world. Its just quite simply, the end.

On the flip side to all this. I praise the courage it has taken to be honest about the whole situation, and reach this point. To be as mature and open about it as you have been, and for every gesture you have made since leaving last night. Of course I can say this all to you in private, but I want others to know how proud I am of the woman you have grown into. Strong, fierce, and now truly independent.

I could go on all day, this was only meant to be short, but that will do for now.
Sorry for rambling on so much, but it works for me.

What a year!

Well its been a long long time since I blogged anything simple and down to earth, let alone just about me, and not moaning about companies and organisations. So I thought it was about time I did, so here goes.

First off, apologies for any typos I might make and miss, but I am trying this blog entry out on my new ACER Chromebook. I shall come back to that in a bit.

So..... What a year. Without a doubt the main factor has to be the passing of my dear Aunt Joan Hughes. This time last year, this exact time and day in fact, I was in Colwyn Bay making a surprise visit to her. Spending a little too long over at the carers house getting up to speed on how Joan had been, I finally went over to a rather frosty reception, and quite a telling off. Something I have grown used to in the years of visiting.

Slightly taken aback by the changes which had happened since I had see her last, but the time spent there together was as special as ever. Little did I know at the time that this would be the last time I would really see Joan at home, and the last bit of quality time we would spend together. As chatty and argumentative as ever, we spent hours talking about all sorts of things, before it was time for me to head home.

I remember the day well, as on my journey to and from Wales there were a series of nasty accidents resulting in fatalities and major road closures. Leaving me getting home at about midnight, and popping my M&S turkey ready meal in the oven for  very late dinner. No repeat of that this year, with the creation of my own roast dinner, which was delightful.

It seemed only a few weeks later that I returned to Wales, around my birthday, on hearing the news that Joan had taken a turn, and was now in a home. It was only just over a week later, on what would have been mums birthday, that the last of the 3 Lunt sisters from Old Colwyn would pass away, leaving a huge hole in the fabric of my life as I knew it at that time. The end of a generation, the end of the blood connection to a place which has always been dear in my heart.

A sad time was quickly surpassed by a strange time for me. A time spent in Wales, with Chris, Noel, and Chantal to name but a few. A time spent organising what can only be described as the disposal of Joan's estate, and what felt like a deletion of a connection to a special place. Reading the eulogy at Joan's funeral, looking out at all the faces of the people who had come to share that last moment, and pay their respects, I realised that THIS was what really meant something to me. Not the reading, not the attention, but the love respect and connections of friendship.

Since this time I have really started to appreciate my true friendships, and respect those people  deem 'friends'. Knowing that I would move a mountain to help them at a moments notice, and to know that however infrequent the meetings and conversations, that respect is mutual. It gives me great comfort to know, just like my aunt, I too have people like this in my life. So to you, I say thank you.

The rest of the year has been full of stress and distractions. Dealing with solicitors, estate agents (some great, some rubbish), executors, car rental companies, the list is endless. But over this time two things have kept me afloat, material objects, and food. Both things that I actually despise to an extend. But seeing as I am typing on one of those material objects to write this blog, I guess some good comes from them.
Food however is my enemy right now, and I intend on doing something about that starting in a few weeks time. Until then, I shall indulge myself and make the most of it.

Just watching the Queen's Speech after my home made lunch, for the first time I might add. I was surprised to see quite a basic speech, not highlighting the years events, but focusing on the inner person. Something I like to do quite a lot. Time for reflection is something we all need, apparently even the Queen does from time to time. So it turns out im normal after all.

Throughout this year many people I know have suffered in one way or another. From losing a loved one, to suffering from ill health of some sort. Again, it is at times like this you realise who your friends are. Having been through most of the above quite frequently over the past few years, I can appreciate what they are going through. To you all, I wish you all the best in overcoming these times, and striving to be stronger, for yourself and those around you.

So as the end of another year comes into sight, and all the memories of 2013 go into storage, regardless of what has happened, the highs, the lows... Lift your head high, and strive to fight on for another year, with each day of life being a gift in itself, everyday is Xmas, so don't waste the gift you have.

My final thought is a strange one, certainly for me, and might be a bit weird for others, including one certain person. But here goes...
2013 saw my daughter (the one I rarely speak of anymore) turn 18, an age of maturity, an age of independence. With this coinciding with my 40th year, my aunts passing, and many other milestones, something has changed in my life, and for the better (in a nice way).
I am the oldest generation of a family now, the highest tier, I have no legal responsibilities to anyone, I am soon to be debt free for the first time in years, so can catagorically say that I am borderline stress free, string free, chain free etc.
Seeing peoples pictures of their Xmas trees surrounded with gifts, having people reach out to me to ask me not to spend Xmas Day alone this year, and realising that the Xmas spirit I remember from a child is still within me somewhere, well its kinda made me quite sad. But at the same time determined too.
No longer am I in limbo between being a son, but also an absent parent. I no longer have the calling to travel to ensure relatives are ok on this day. But from this point on, I can enjoy Xmas again, and give it the respect it deserves.

So I say this now, and will keep my word. I have NO idea what I will do for Xmas 2014 yet, but I promise you one thing... I WILL celebrate it!

Thank you to everyone for reaching out, and helping reignite the flicker of Xmas within me.

And so it began. Tribute tattoo for Aunt Joan

My last entry kinda hit on the fact that I was heading off to get a new tattoo started, my Welshanese Dragowl as I like to call it. The date has been set for a while now, and the plans were in place, so getting it started was paramount to me.

Would it help get my head straight, would I begin closure, would it look right side by side with mum on my chest. Well, the answer is yes, to all of the above, and I am seriously relieved about that.

Everything isn't rosy now, my head is still a bit messy to say the least, but the important thing is, it's on the road to recovery.

As far as the tattoo goes, finally having the template laid out was great to see, and realise just how big a piece I had asked Michelle to do as a starter piece. All the aspects were present, on the right scale, and in the right layout. All I can say at this point is, after 3 hours of having it all lined in, I am stoked to see how this is gonna turn out now. I already have additional plans for it.

Speaking of those plans, allow me to elaborate a little . Florian Karg, a fantastic artist with quite a unique style, has inspired me to add a piece between the two pieces tying them in together, and helping them make sense. The co-ordinates (in degrees) for Puffin Island, where the ashes for mum and Joan will be scattered, on my chest, possibly in smoke as a background, in a very unconventional style, both type face and layout. 

So, I shall leave you with the pictures of the first session.

Thanks for reading.

Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10

The canvas is ready, bring on the ink!

Another tattoo project begins, this time my right chest plate, pec, moob, whatever ya wanna call it.

This piece is a tribute to my late Aunt Joan, who passed away in Feb. It will sit next to mums tribute piece (her sister).

The theme is Welshanese aka Welsh and Japanese. With a Jap style dragon in Welsh flag pose. Along with an owl in the background, a favourite of my aunt.

So here is the canvas, let's get going.

Regards
Michael

Sent from my BlackBerry Q10